Susanne got me thinking about The Back Story. Everyone has a back story. Truly, everyone has many, and the telling of the story can change depending on when you start, how far back you go, the level of acceptance of the circumstances of your life. Our past moments and days and years are whirling dervishes of stories and thoughts and feelings....complicated, long weavings of people and places and everything.
"I want to hear the back story."
She was kindly acknowledging and responding to a personal commentary that I uncharacteristically shared on Facebook. I immediately assumed that she meant the quick catch-up, the short pithy explanation. I was immediately panic stricken, as often happens when people acknowledge something personal I've said or done. How could I possibly condense 2...no, 4...no, 8+ years of Stuff into a soundbite?
Pause.
Wait.
Why was I assuming she wanted the short, quick, easy Reader's Digest version? She, of all humans, understands about back story, about our other selves, about the double lives we all lead by necessity, and also by choice at times, and thanks in part to social media. One to show and one to go, as we say in retail.
Why (How?) was I conditioned this way? My tendency, I realized, with mixed up emotion, was to give short, seemingly personal but actually entirely unsubstantial responses that actively shut down any further dialogue in their self-assured and vacant total dismissal of the inquiry (and the person).
I don't just do this on Facebook. This instance on Facebook put it, quite literally, in my face, and so I had to see what I could figure out. I am guessing that the closer the relationship gets, the stronger the tendency is.
In this case, I technically barely know Susanne in the Real World, but I absolutely adore, admire, and respect her an insane amount from what I know of her. There is no way I can live up to my feelings for her and to her bigness, her amazingness, in other words. So why the heck does she care about my back story?
It seems I have developed this nuanced (to me, anyway. It's possibly my intimate acquaintances will read this and guffaw at my idiocy) deflection mechanism wherein I am taking for a known factor that the other person simply doesn't yet realize that they don't care and that I am actually inadequate. I anticipate their dismissal of me, and in doing so, probably ensure that it happens for all but the most obtuse and persistent of inquirers.
"I want to hear the back story."
I struggled, hemmed, hawed, typed and deleted, struggled more to formulate a response that wasn't the equivalent of whacking the ping pong ball across the room as hard as possible. How to acknowledge? How to, gulp, accept?
It felt so risky. It felt so arrogant and flamboyant and rude and egocentric and selfish. I concluded brevity would be my friend, and then I employed the other friends who I employ in any kind of emotionally challenging situation, which, for me, is any where emotions are involved: I called on my friends logic and reason.
I asked myself a question to get the ball rolling: How could it arise that I shared the back story with Susanne in The Real World?
Answers:
It would require us to have a real conversation==>
In person was the only option ==>
We'd have to actually get together ==>
Coffee or wine is always a good vehicle for a get together.
So, that is how I created a response, not a volley.
"We will need wine and/or coffee. So it's a date."
And she made a heart! I was so relieved that I had not offended her.
Maybe sometimes people mean what they say, and I should pay attention to their words, not my fears or anxieties. Easier said than done. But possibly not impossible. I will do my best to find out.
In an attempt to remind myself of how to keep my mind open to the Good People out there, I made some steps to follow in my head for when someone reaches out. I have to have a system for how I process the incoming data from them, because, as is obvious by now, I do not always have the capacity to respond in an emotionally sensitive or sensible way due to...well, at least in part, my back story.
Step 1: Stop. Do not slow down. Come to a full stop, mentally.
Step 2: Accept their words with ears/eyes/brain.
Be aware: Do NOT assume the responsibility for anticipating the feelings that the person does not yet have. Unburden yourself and let them say their words and feel their feelings. Let them dismiss you...or not. Don't dismiss yourself for them.
Step 4: Think about the words' meanings and the person and respond from your heart.
Step 5: Repeat.
I guess the lesson here for me is to stop anticipating someone else's move to insincerity or change of heart if there is a complete and total lack of evidence for it. If you are truly paying attention, there is no need to hurriedly create the future in order to function in the present because you will have all the information you need to move forward (or not), one mindful acknowledgement of reality at a time.
For me, in this case, the back story was just the beginning.
Thank you, Susanne, for asking.
"I want to hear the back story."
She was kindly acknowledging and responding to a personal commentary that I uncharacteristically shared on Facebook. I immediately assumed that she meant the quick catch-up, the short pithy explanation. I was immediately panic stricken, as often happens when people acknowledge something personal I've said or done. How could I possibly condense 2...no, 4...no, 8+ years of Stuff into a soundbite?
Pause.
Wait.
Why was I assuming she wanted the short, quick, easy Reader's Digest version? She, of all humans, understands about back story, about our other selves, about the double lives we all lead by necessity, and also by choice at times, and thanks in part to social media. One to show and one to go, as we say in retail.
Why (How?) was I conditioned this way? My tendency, I realized, with mixed up emotion, was to give short, seemingly personal but actually entirely unsubstantial responses that actively shut down any further dialogue in their self-assured and vacant total dismissal of the inquiry (and the person).
I don't just do this on Facebook. This instance on Facebook put it, quite literally, in my face, and so I had to see what I could figure out. I am guessing that the closer the relationship gets, the stronger the tendency is.
In this case, I technically barely know Susanne in the Real World, but I absolutely adore, admire, and respect her an insane amount from what I know of her. There is no way I can live up to my feelings for her and to her bigness, her amazingness, in other words. So why the heck does she care about my back story?
It seems I have developed this nuanced (to me, anyway. It's possibly my intimate acquaintances will read this and guffaw at my idiocy) deflection mechanism wherein I am taking for a known factor that the other person simply doesn't yet realize that they don't care and that I am actually inadequate. I anticipate their dismissal of me, and in doing so, probably ensure that it happens for all but the most obtuse and persistent of inquirers.
"I want to hear the back story."
I struggled, hemmed, hawed, typed and deleted, struggled more to formulate a response that wasn't the equivalent of whacking the ping pong ball across the room as hard as possible. How to acknowledge? How to, gulp, accept?
It felt so risky. It felt so arrogant and flamboyant and rude and egocentric and selfish. I concluded brevity would be my friend, and then I employed the other friends who I employ in any kind of emotionally challenging situation, which, for me, is any where emotions are involved: I called on my friends logic and reason.
I asked myself a question to get the ball rolling: How could it arise that I shared the back story with Susanne in The Real World?
Answers:
It would require us to have a real conversation==>
In person was the only option ==>
We'd have to actually get together ==>
Coffee or wine is always a good vehicle for a get together.
So, that is how I created a response, not a volley.
"We will need wine and/or coffee. So it's a date."
And she made a heart! I was so relieved that I had not offended her.
Maybe sometimes people mean what they say, and I should pay attention to their words, not my fears or anxieties. Easier said than done. But possibly not impossible. I will do my best to find out.
In an attempt to remind myself of how to keep my mind open to the Good People out there, I made some steps to follow in my head for when someone reaches out. I have to have a system for how I process the incoming data from them, because, as is obvious by now, I do not always have the capacity to respond in an emotionally sensitive or sensible way due to...well, at least in part, my back story.
Step 1: Stop. Do not slow down. Come to a full stop, mentally.
Step 2: Accept their words with ears/eyes/brain.
Be aware: Do NOT assume the responsibility for anticipating the feelings that the person does not yet have. Unburden yourself and let them say their words and feel their feelings. Let them dismiss you...or not. Don't dismiss yourself for them.
Step 4: Think about the words' meanings and the person and respond from your heart.
Step 5: Repeat.
I guess the lesson here for me is to stop anticipating someone else's move to insincerity or change of heart if there is a complete and total lack of evidence for it. If you are truly paying attention, there is no need to hurriedly create the future in order to function in the present because you will have all the information you need to move forward (or not), one mindful acknowledgement of reality at a time.
For me, in this case, the back story was just the beginning.
Thank you, Susanne, for asking.
No comments:
Post a Comment